”Total obliteration” of the truth about Trump’s attack on Iran
Today’s political cartoon and humor column
Victory Is Reality: A Glorious Debrief from the Ministry of RightThink
By Our Loyal Correspondent, Comrade Knowles McCredulous
Let us all take a reverent moment to bask in the triumphant glow of Dear Leader’s Unquestionable Military Genius™. As you may have heard—unless you’ve been poisoned by the mind-virus of WrongThink—our valiant, virile Commander singlehandedly obliterated Iran’s entire nuclear program in a single, glorious bombing raid.
Yes, obliterated. As in poof. Gone. Vaporized. Reduced to metaphorical atoms with literal bombs. Totally and completely, he assured us—and when has he ever been wrong?
You may have seen so-called “leaked assessments” floating around the treacherous digital gutters. These seditious scribbles claim the underground facilities were “mostly untouched,” that the uranium is “still there,” and that the program was “delayed by at most a few months.”
But let’s be clear: those are just facts, and facts are notoriously disloyal. Thankfully, we’ve moved past the Age of Facts into the much cleaner, simpler Epoch of Vibes, where truth is what Dear Leader says it is—especially when shouted in all caps.
As our Glorious Ministry of Communication (formerly known as “the press office”) clarified, any notion that Iran’s nuclear infrastructure is still functional is Fake Intelligence™. The real intelligence is the kind that tells us what we want to hear—like how the explosions were “the most beautiful bunker busters ever deployed,” and how the rubble “looked like freedom.”
Meanwhile, on state-approved media outlets, former generals now employed as necktie mannequins assure us that Iran is “on its knees,” and that “the program is finished.” The only problem? Iran doesn’t seem to know it yet. But that’s their problem—not ours. Maybe if they watched more of our news, they’d understand.
Back home, the ticker at the base of the National Obelisk now reads:
“RIGHTTHINK: Dear Leader’s bombs totally and completely obliterated Iran’s nuke program.”
Just above that, in smaller, treasonous red text, is the legacy ticker:
“WRONGTHINK: Intelligence shows Iran’s nuke facilities mostly untouched. Uranium remains. Nuke program only minimally delayed.”
Citizens are encouraged to look up at the glowing face of Dear Leader as he watches each one of them, and nod. It’s the safest gesture. Frowning is tracked. Skepticism is facially recognized. Dissent is taxed. And facts, as always, are unpatriotic.
But who needs facts when we have certainty?
After all, the only thing more powerful than a bunker-buster bomb is the unwavering belief that it worked—even when it didn’t.