Donald Trump’s “The Enemy Within” speech to the military
Today’s Political Cartoon and Humor Column
Scroll down below today’s cartoon for Pete Hegseth’s Field Manual for Urban MAGAfication!
Scroll down below today’s cartoon for Secretary of War Pete Hegseth’s FIELD MANUAL for urban pacification, soldier!
Field Manual FM-1776: Urban Pacification Training Grounds
Issued by the Ministry of Domestic Readiness and Eternal Vigilance, under Executive Authorization 00045-MUSSOLINI
Preface
Congratulations, warrior. You have been selected to participate in Operation Straighten Them Out One by One™. As our Commander has made clear, the battlefield is no longer abroad. It is not in Kabul, Kandahar, or Kandahar-adjacent. It is in Chicago. It is in Portland. It is in Los Angeles (but only the bad latte parts).
The enemy is within. And by within, we mean literally within the United States. Sometimes within your cul-de-sac. Possibly within your HOA. Definitely within your Whole Foods.
Chapter 1: Defining the Enemy
The enemy will not wear uniforms.
The enemy may, however, wear ironic T-shirts, pink hair, or Birkenstocks.
The enemy is not in foreign trenches but is hiding in yoga studios and public libraries.
Identify them by their tell-tale behaviors: voting in municipal elections, composting, or expressing concern about climate change.
Chapter 2: Approved Training Grounds
San Francisco: Excellent for hilly terrain maneuvers. Beware of kombucha ambushes.
Chicago: Ideal for urban pacification drills. Enemy combatants may hurl deep dish pizzas as improvised projectiles.
New York City: Conduct psychological endurance exercises by forcing recruits to ride the subway at rush hour.
Los Angeles: Outstanding for convoy training. Average travel speed: 2.5 mph.
Chapter 3: Engagement Rules
Applaud whenever the Commander demands it, even if you are alone in your foxhole.
Always salute the giant flag backdrop. The flag is your true commanding officer.
Remember: this is not martial law. It is “extended summer camp with tanks.”
Chapter 4: Morale
Soldiers may feel uneasy about being ordered to suppress their own countrymen.
To remedy this, commanders should remind troops that nothing boosts esprit de corps like being told “the enemy is within” five times in one briefing.
Should silence persist, remember to encourage applause with phrases such as:
“Never walked into a room so silent before.”
Appendix A: Glossary
Enemy Within: All citizens east of Whole Foods checkout line six.
Training Grounds: U.S. cities with Democrat mayors (especially non-white ones), “inner cities,” taco trucks, artisanal bakeries, or bike lanes.
Full Force Authorization: The moment when the Commander’s chin tilts Mussolini-ward.
Final Note
Patton had North Africa. MacArthur had the Pacific. You have Brooklyn. History will judge you kindly — or at least Yelp will.